Thursday, August 5, 2010

Negative 23

I stood in front of the mirror this morning. I was running a little late, and I never care what I wear, unless of course, it looks awful. I grabbed my favorite pair of shorts. From the Gap. Boyfriend cut. Some khaki-like material that are a light navy in color. I reached down to slide them on and didn't even unbutton them.

I stopped, with the shorts completely on, my fingers still pinching the waistband. I just stared. With my right hand I grabbed the front of the shorts, and pulled them forward, away from my torso. I looked down. There were the tops of my feet, visible through the leg holes.

I glanced back up in the mirror. Tendons in my neck that used to look thicker, more of the masculine variety, were now visibly pinched, sloping downward and seamlessly into my collarbones, which now had a visible dip appearing between them. I bent far to the right at my waist, allowing my left side to stretch out completely. With that exaggerated stance and the minimal sunlight, I saw vague shadows I'd never seen before. I ran my left thumb from my bra to my hip and felt something I'd never felt before. They were visible and tangible. Rib bones.

I straightened up, and tucked my chin down to my chest. My breathing wasn't hindered. With my head still mostly down, I lifted my eyes back to the mirror. The extra bit of flesh I was so used to dealing with under my chin wasn't there. I reached up to touch my face. Definition between jaw and cheekbone.

I decided.
I will never be the fat girl.
Never again.

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