Thursday, February 24, 2011

Treading Water

Kicking will only do so much for so long. You won't drown, but you won't get anywhere either. You'll tire out eventually. The treading, the waiting for a rescue, seems futile and fruitless. Allowing yourself to live, yet in such stressed circumstances, becomes an argument of quality of life over its quantity. So, you let yourself succumb to the water. And below its transparent surface, you dip.

This is another moment.
Another situation entirely.
You are now faced with the imminent prospect of death. Up above the surface, death seemed peaceful and like a good idea, but now... The water is filling up your nose and mouth, pressing in on your chest. Death is rushing in on you fast and from all sides. The great unknown yawns beneath you, ready to swallow you up as soon as you surrender, but the overwhelming fear of it all rushes to your limbs, causing you to kick and swim.

Your face breaks the surface.
You take a big gulp of air.
Your heart, hammering wildly beneath your sternum, courses the now dissipating adrenaline through your arteries. And you curse yourself for being a coward.
Too scared to live.
But too scared to die.

So you continue to tread water.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Ghost

Sometimes I wish I can fade in and out like some sort of ghost. That little phantom that creeps up unexpectedly then disappears into nothing when you thought you were sure you saw something.

That presence that merely is, but doesn't matter. I like being noticed, don't get me wrong, but for some strange reason, I have a hard time being appreciated. It's almost as if I don't like it.

It feels like someone's attachment brings me into existence again, and I try to slip back through the wall the way I came in, but instead I slam into it because I'm suddenly solid. And I have to use a door to leave. And I hate using doors.

I begin to feel trapped, because I'm not who I was anymore. I'm not the mysterious mist that can reason and speak and can disappear and reappear. I'm a person again, with scars and baggage and the fear of using the goddamn door. I have no reason to use the door, other than I know that if I do get out of the room, I get to become a ghost again, which is both cowardly and rude.

I'm not pretending when I say I know how you feel. It's something like this:

I cried when I heard that song for the first time, because I feel like such an asshole.
Just know, that I'd much rather be in your shoes than in my own.
Mine give me blisters, and I'm not allowed to bitch about it.